nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
