So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
You've reached your one pic per night limit. To increase your limit, start conversations before 9 and submit your request for an additional pic before 10.
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