dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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