I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize