this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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