I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
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