Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
