i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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