so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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