The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
