actually, I'm a sock model
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
two words...techno handjob
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Randomize
