She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
