I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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