I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
