I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
