I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
