Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
