someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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