do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
