I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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