The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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