this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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