I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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