It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
