Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize