hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
