Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
