Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
porn star boner night. come get it.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
