Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
