I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
