I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
