nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
