I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Randomize
