I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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