Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
The air was thick with penises
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
