theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Can I color on your dick again?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
