i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
Randomize
