he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
