I'm gonna have a badass scar
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
