my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
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