i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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