I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
she pinky promised me she was 18
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
