Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
