So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Randomize
