Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize