I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
