Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
