I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Randomize
