I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
