I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
