I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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