Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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