From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
