Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
