By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
