I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
