i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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