so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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