My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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