You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
