I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
