Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize