does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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