anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
