You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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