dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
