So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
